The merits of the CFL

Chuck Klosterman lists 23 questions that he asks everyone he meets. Here are five that i thought were interesting. If you read the questions you have to answer them.

1. Let us assume you meet a rudimentary magician. He can only do five simple tricks, pull a rabbit out of a hat, make a quarter disappear, turn the ace of spades into the joker, etc. These are the only tricks that he can do, and he can't learn anymore. However, it turns out that he is doing these tricks with real magic, it is not an illusion. He's legitimately magical, but limited in scope and influence. Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?

2. Let us assume a fully grown completely healthy clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with a thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. Assume that every political prisoner on earth will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in 20 min. You are allowed to wear steel toed boots. Would you attempt this?

3. Genetic engineers have developed a super gorilla. The animal cannot speak but it has a sign language vocabulary of over 12,000 words, it has an IQ of around 85 and it has a sense of self awareness. The animal (who weighs 700 lbs.) has developed a fascination with football. The gorilla aspires to play professionally and quickly develops into a rudimentary defensive end. Mel Kiper Jr. says that the gorilla is virtually unblockable and would record almost 6 sacks a game. However, the gorilla might be susceptible to draws, counters and other trick plays. The gorilla has made it clear that he would never intentionally injure his opponent. You are the commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow the gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

4. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet in your honor. No one will be in the room except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering staff. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen minute speech to the assembly. What do you talk about?

5. Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them as hard as you can in the ribs. If you don't kick them they will never wake up. However, you can never tell them the true reason that you kicked them because they would die from that as well. So you have to kick your sleeping friend in the ribs and you can't tell them why. Since you can't tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this attack?